BY SHELLEY STOCKWELL-NICHOLAS, PhD
My lover said, ‘you never listen; at least, I think that’s what they said.”
Clients ask, “How do you create a great relationship?” I tell them,
“1. Get over yourself and 2. Afterward, tune in on you. That is because love is a two-way street so you need to go in one direction at a time. Let’s start with listening.
SO DO THIS! Take a deep breath, close your eyes and listen to your thoughts. Open your inner ears, or inner eyes and really listen, listen, listen… Go ahead… do it!
When you go in, you find out.
Now, expand your awareness to what’s going on around you listen to the sounds around you–near and far. Just take it in.
REAL LOVE LANGUAGE
Your inner and outer awareness are two different things. When you entertain one at a time, you avert a head on collision and easily cruise down the road of love. In conversation, do you hear but not listen? A good lover nurtures your self-expression and then nurtures their own expression– one at a time.
Take this quiz and decide how well you listen:
GOOD LISTENER QUIZ
While they talk I:
MEANDER “I drift off to la-la land.”
FILTER “I hear only what I want to hear.”
DERAIL “How can I change the subject?”
INTERRUPT “I’ll finish your sentence and over talk.”
PLEASE “What do I need to do to avoid conflict?”
COMPARE “Fact checking…”
REGRESS “That reminds me of…”
REHEARSE “What will I say next?”
COMBAT “How do I discount or belittle this.”
DISTRACT “Multitask alert… a text, email, that tree over there…
PROBLEM SOLVE “What advice will I give?”
MIND-READ “I know what you ‘really’ think… and what you’ll say next.”
If these sound like you; read on: goodness awaits!
NINE FUN WAYS TO LISTEN FOR LOVE!
These WIN you love, self-respect and rapport:
1. AFFIRM: “I’m an excellent listener. I listen to others and then I listen to my thoughts and the words I choose and use.”
2. SHUT MY MOUTH: You have two eyes, two ears and only one mouth for a reason.
3. BELLY BUTTON BONDING: Position your belly toward their belly.
4. MAKE EYE CONTACT AND NOD
5. MONITOR SELF-TALK: All the while, keep your self-talk positive and you’ll send out loving vibes.
6. BE HERE NOW: Stay tuned.
7. BE INTERESTED: Enjoy that their mouth is moving and yours isn’t. You’re in control of your attitude, so be positive. Their ideas might just refresh your own ideas so listen up!
8. ASK RELEVENT QUESTIONS: “What’s that like for you?” “What happened next?”
9. ACTIVE LISTEN: Nothing is more endearing than hearing your own golden words repeated back to you. So, to win friends and influence others, repeat back what you hear. Use their words exactly and they will think you’re so clever… and you are! You can say, “(their name), I heard you say…” Active listening ascertains their truth.
In essence, great relationships require you to focus inward and outward… one at a time. So here’s your challenge: Vow to mind your mind and be the true mastermind you are meant to be! Then take in all the great love coming your way.